ce drama while I'd prefer something drug-addled and esoteric), so after much deliberation we decided on Australia (just as an aside how the fuck is Slumdog Millionaire not playing in the 4th biggest city in the US). We saw Australia at the Edwards Theater off of I-10 right west of the 610 loop (as another aside, if you go out to any of the clubs in the Edwards Theater complex then you need to spend some serious time looking at yourself in the mirror while punching yourself repeatedly in the face until your nose is a garbled mess-I'll make an exception to the nose punching garbled mess thing for playing at most $20 worth of video games at the complex's Dave and Busters and/or a show at the complex's Comedy Improv if Richard Pryor has come back from the dead to do that show).So, Australia. I expected a love story/period piece, hardly bearable, but nonetheless bearable, movie. What I got was Moulin Rouge set in the desert with a lot less singing (all thanks and praise be to Allah), a lot more cliche Australian vernacular, and a whole shit load of cows. In all honesty, the movie started out good. The scene before the title sequence had a strong hook and after that the movie, for the first hour, was for the most part entertaining. Sure, it was cheesy and the story was closer to Sponge Bob Square Pants than a solid drama, but all of this was to be expected; also, there was enough of Hugh Jackman being shirtless and pouring water on himself for this movie to qualify as soft gay porn. But all this aside, the plot was captivating, the direction interesting, and the acting believable. Plus, the kid that played the 1/2 Aboriginal, 1/2 white kid named Nullah was really fucking cute.
So this went on for about an hour and a half and I was thinking to myself, "Damn, this movie is pretty good. I'm kind of pissed off at myself for liking it, but man, I am actually enjoying this." Then the wheels came off, not right away, they kind of rattled a little bit at first, then startled wobbling, and then they just came right the fuck off.
After the wheels came off (all four of 'em came off), this movie started skidding around, sparks were pouring out from the sides, then the gas tank burst open, a spark hit the gas that was pouring out of the tank, and BOOM!!! Nonmetaphorically what happened was that: 1) The movie was about twice as long as it should have been. I don't know what kind of grand aspirations Baz Luhrmann had, but Australia is in no way an epic and at no point could this story have even potentially been an epic. It's a light, comedic drama/period piece that should have been at most an hour and forty five minutes. Thing was 2:45 without the previews. All in all, this show kept me seated in that damn theater for 3 hours once the lights went out; and 2) From the beginning, the story in Australia progresses interestingly and the movie holds promise. Then, like a lot of big budget, big studio movies, when the time comes for resolution, the writers look around, and notice that, oh shit!, they've painted themselves into a corner. So then all types of ridiculous bullshit starts to happen just so the audience can get served a Happy Meal ending. Instead of this crappy deus ex machina (blue means link), just have a big Baby Jesus float on in, lasers strapped to his head, and clean the messy story up. It would be about as believable and a lot more entertaining.
In summary, if you're gonna see Australia, leave after an hour and a half and call me to find out what happens at the end. You'll leave the theater a lot happier. Oh, and Nicole Kidman can act really well. Rating: 3.5 out of a 10.
